


Not Always in the Same Way

by zorilleerrant



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Canon Biphobia, HIV/AIDS, Internalized Biphobia, M/M, Past Sexual Abuse, Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-24
Updated: 2017-09-24
Packaged: 2019-01-04 16:54:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,137
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12172971
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zorilleerrant/pseuds/zorilleerrant
Summary: Anyone else upset that they wouldn't just let Hunter be bi?





	Not Always in the Same Way

It was the hand brushing against Hunter’s that set him off. His heart was racing, his breathing had sped up, and the room was spinning a little. At first he’d thought he was on the verge of a panic attack, almost even had one for real at the thought that a simple brush of hands was enough to send him into flashbacks, but it didn’t get worse, it just sort of…continued. And he knew where he was, what he was doing (class, taking notes), and he wasn’t scared or disoriented, just a little distracted.

Just a little excited.

And that wasn’t right, because he’d been in class with this guy for weeks, shared notes, had lunch together, and generally gotten to know him.

Also, he was a guy.

Hunter felt, for a minute, like he was in high school again, trying to deal with his brand spanking new baby’s first crush on a girl. He’d assumed it would be like Brian, where he liked to look, liked to watch, got excited listening to him, just really wanted to be around the guy, but it wasn’t. Callie made his stomach hurt when he thought about her, tied up his tongue when he tried to talk to her, practically played fucking soundtracks in his head when she laughed, even though that was ridiculous, and he’d never admitted it to her.

He’d had a couple of Brian moments. Two of them had broken up with him when they found out he was positive, and the other one when she found out she actually liked girls instead (which Hunter had found hilarious, and almost seriously upset her until he explained). Not that he hadn’t found anyone to fool around with, just that there wasn’t much of a spark there until they got right into the middle of it, and it didn’t last until morning.

He hadn’t had another Callie moment.

And now Connor was staring at him, asking if he was alright, and he had to go back to scribbling the shit out of his notes and mumble something or other.

So when he walked out of the room without stopping to chat, he was completely not surprised by Connor following him.

“Okay,” said Connor, when they’d ducked into some alcove that was passable cover, but not great if you expected security to walk past, “you better have an explanation.”

“What?” Hunter said, waiting for Connor to make it make sense like he did with picking out the facts from the filler.

Connor stared at him, eyes narrowed and one eyebrow raised just a twitch, and he gestured at Hunter’s hand.

Hunter reflexively pulled it to his chest, covering it with his other hand.

“Yeah, that,” Connor said. “I barely touched you, dude, what the hell?”

Hunter stared at his hand, more confused than ever. “Um.”

“Okay, so, you found out. It’s not like I was trying to hide it. If I’d known you’d react this way,” Connor grumbled, “whatever. Just for the record, who told you?”

Blinking so he didn’t stare, Hunter tried to piece together what was going on. “Wait, what, that you’re gay? No, I figured that out, like, ten minutes after we met.”

Then it was Connor’s turn to stare at Hunter like an idiot fish for what must have been about an hour until he finally asked, “what was that about, then?”

And Hunter closed his eyes (he never closed his eyes when he kissed but he needed every ounce of courage he could screw up) and leaned in and it was fucking magic.

Connor’s arm around his waist, and Connor’s shirt in his grip, and even Connor’s hand tugging at his hair was giving him the tingle (not the one in his pants, thanks, though that was on the horizon for sooner or later) that he was only supposed to be associating with girls.

Then Connor broke away and Hunter wasn’t enough of a sad sack he was going to whine about it, but the guy could have waited a minute or two.

“Wow,” Connor said, “so.”

Hunter could tell he was blushing like some suburban middle schooler who just got flashed for the first time while trying to buy some grown-up coffee like a latte or shit.

“Out of curiosity,” Connor said, “have you ever liked a guy before?”

“Not like this,” Hunter admitted.

“Never had a boyfriend?” Connor teased.

Hunter shook his head.

Connor leaned in to whisper in his ear, his breath tickling all the hairs on Hunter’s neck, “would you like to?”

“Oh, god, yes,” Hunter said, because all the struggling not to make any noise while they were just barely out of sight backfired on him, but fuck if that wasn’t an amazing preview.

Connor snickered at him, groped him just enough to get a slightly surprised expression, and tugged him into the hallway. “Not that I don’t like helping straight guys experiment with their sexualities right in the middle of the fucking lobby, but are you hungry?”

Hunter nodded, not that he could eat anything, butterflies were sure as shit enough in their home environment and he remembered from Callie how much worse they tasted coming back up.

It wasn’t like he was going to puke, he wasn’t a kid anymore, and anyway, he didn’t even have to tell his dads this time or worry they would find out, not when they lived so far away, which had been his plan all along really, if he was going to do anything interesting, which he hadn’t been planning on, or at least not this, so, good job, Hunter, you lucky fuck.

“Alright, rule one of publicly dating a guy,” Connor said, “don’t look back at them when they stare, it only encourages them.”

Hunter was sort of torn between telling him ‘no shit’ and telling him they ate lunch together almost every day and no one would notice, so just stared at him with a stupid goofy grin like he was some dumbass that just got asked to prom.

Okay, so maybe they would notice.

And then lunch wasn’t any different than any other day, except that Hunter kept staring at Connor’s lips while he talked, and for all he knew that wasn’t any different, either, except that he noticed it now. And he noticed the way the muscles flexed in Connor’s arms, and the way Connor’s hands flicked so quickly over the wrappers on Connor’s food, and the way that Connor’s shirt hugged Connor’s chest in a firmly defined shape that couldn’t possibly be mistaken for tits. He didn’t notice Connor’s ass, since they were sitting on opposite sides of the table, but he did notice himself not noticing it, because it was on his mind.

Connor was grinning at Hunter like he was an overexcited little kid, and he tried to push that thought away because it had happened in too many of the wrong contexts, only Ben and Michael had given him that look, too, sometimes, and they didn’t mean anything bad by it, and then he pushed that thought out of his head, too, because his dads were so not what he wanted to be thinking about right now.

And Connor dragged him into a bedroom and shut the door by kissing him against it, and he didn’t think about much of anything for a while, except for lips and hands and the thigh pressed between his legs.

But then the gorgeous cocktease of a guy (why a guy though) pulled away again, and this time Hunter did whine, but low in his throat, where it was hard to hear.

“Are you sure you want to do this?” Connor asked. Panting (that was gratifying).

Hunter rolled his eyes. “No, I just pick up random guys and make out with them for no reason.” And damn, that was a little close to home, and he wished he hadn’t said it.

“Um,” said Connor, and his mouth tilted slightly, “I don’t really want to go past handies at this point, and we’ve only just barely had a first date, so if you want to wait.”

“It doesn’t have to mean anything, you know,” Hunter said, only he backpedaled when the other guy gave him a look like he’d just punched a puppy in the face, “I mean I’ll do a relationship, too, though, either way.”

Connor shook his head. “No judgement, but if you want a one night stand, I’m not your guy. Also, it’s the afternoon, so you’d maybe have to wait a while.”

Hunter laughed, and leaned forward to kiss Connor again, and it was warm and frenzied and they fit together like he’d only done a few times, with Callie and then sometimes in the middle of sex when it got really heated and they could pretend they knew what the other one was thinking because they were both thinking the same thing.

And then Hunter felt his zipper being pulled down and a rough hand shoved inside – no, it was smooth, soft, Connor moisturized and didn’t do work rougher than lifting a pencil – and it was working him up and down, a little fast, but he wasn’t about to say anything in case it stopped. He was glad, for a second, that he was leaning against the door, so there was no chance of getting walked in on, and then he was mostly glad of how warm Connor’s hand was, especially in contrast to the room that had felt like a nice temperature before but now was far too hot except where it was cold against the wet tip of his dick.

Hunter reached out to reciprocate, but Connor held his hand away and murmured, “no, let me concentrate on you first,” so Hunter had both hands curled around fistfuls of hair kissing for his life.

Then Connor was pulling his hand away, and Hunter’s heart almost skipped a beat reminding him to say something before Connor tried to do something stupid and sexy like lick it off his fingers, but the guy just smirked as he went to the bathroom to wash his hands. Connor watched his reflection in the mirror, and thought that they were lucky no one had come in the other side of the bathroom, because they hadn’t even shut the door on this side.

And Hunter grabbed his pants and tugged, careful not to touch himself as he tucked his dick back in his pants, and walked up behind Connor, wrapping arms around him, sliding his hand down his lover’s stomach and under the waistband of his jeans.

Connor gasped, hands gripping the edge of the counter. He bucked into Hunter’s hand, ass pressing backwards, almost enough to get Hunter interested again, but not quite, because the positioning was awkward and he had to concentrate on actually making it fun, especially since he hadn’t grabbed any lube which might have made things more forgiving at that angle. He grabbed some tissues to wipe Connor off with, tossing them as Connor caught his breath.

“Wash your hands,” Connor said. Then, walking back out, “I need to sit down.”

For all Hunter thought it was a little abrupt, there were worse fault for a boyfriend to have, and barely a fault at all when the abrupt didn’t happen until everything was unwinding anyway, and he wiped up what had gotten on the sink, dropped the tissues in the trash can, and washed his hands like Connor had told him to.

When he walked back out, Connor was holding out a water bottle, smirking again, and placed a soft kiss on his lips. “Hey.”

Hunter took the water bottle and smirked back. “Hey.”

 

They hadn’t done anything more than that until they were a few dates in (five, that was Connor’s specific benchmark, although he had counted both that lunch and the coffee they’d barely managed to catch together, so Hunter thought it was kind of stupid even if he didn’t say so) and Connor mentioned something about blowjobs.

Hunter was going to be so fucking over this if Connor tried to give him tips. Also, he wondered how to bring up the issue of condoms. But he didn’t have to, because Connor had come (or was about to) prepared. Cherry flavored. Hunter’s favorite (and he didn’t laugh at that thought, but he didn’t gag either, so he thought he’d come out about even) and even though he had just a minute of paranoia that he knew somehow or that everyone knew somehow, he’d also kind of gotten used to the idea that the school was big enough he couldn’t ever be that guy who anything, and the rumors would lose momentum the farther from him they got.

“Wait,” Connor said, as Hunter slipped the tip of the condom between his lips and reached out for Connor’s fly, “I’m positive.”

“That’s cool, me too,” Hunter said, pulling the condom away for a second, and then squeezed the tip of his tongue against the tip of the condom and rolled it on with his lips.

Connor let out a strangled gasp, and his hand was in Hunter’s hair, but not yanking on it, just pushing his head away, and he said, “no, I mean, I have HIV.”

“Yeah,” Hunter said, and he drew out the word, “and I said, me too.”

And Connor’s eyes widened a little in surprise, and Hunter watched him, and then he gave a little nod and Hunter went back to giving the best damn blowjob he ever had, which was surprisingly not that hard now that he actually wanted to do it. Or, well, it wasn’t hard for very long, anyway, because Hunter was just that good.

“Fuck,” Connor said.

Hunter had to agree, really.

Connor grinned at him as he carefully pulled the condom off and tied it and wadded it up to toss in the trash. “You want me to do you?” he called as he washed his hands like he did after every time no matter what they’d been doing or even if they finished, and, Hunter had to assume, every time he jerked off, too.

“Sure,” Hunter called back, surprisingly enjoying that thought, even though it wasn’t the kind of thing he thought about all that much.

And Connor walked back out grinning at him (and shut and locked the bathroom door) and dropped to his knees and Hunter’s dick twitched, which was funny to him, because all the guy (and still a guy, which might never stop being weird) was doing was smiling, not even licking his lips or anything.

But Connor proceeded to roll the condom onto his dick and give him not the best hummer he’d ever gotten but probably top ten through a condom, and definitely number one for blowies that didn’t give him fucking hives once he was done thinking about them.

Hunter thought maybe he was in love, but that was probably stupid.

Hunter thought maybe he could hear some sort of theme song going on, like maybe an achievement riff, but that was definitely stupid.

Connor grinned at him again, and he was pretty okay with things being stupid, because he was sure his face was one of them. He was sure it was stupid when he kissed his boyfriend back even as he got rushed to the bathroom to take care of his shit. Hunter thought maybe washing his hands wasn’t strictly necessary given all the other ways he could clean everything off, but it was kind of endearingly specific.

Then he thought love could be as bullshit as it wanted because he was game.

When he got back to Connor’s bed, they both snuggled into it and just made out for a while, and totally got clucked at by Connor’s roommate (even though it was his fault he needed some book badly enough to ignore the tie on the door) which kind of killed the mood basically, which fucking sucked, but, then, the sucking hadn’t, so.

Hunter grinned that stupid grin again and he kind of wanted to murder his face.

(Connor’s roommate rolled his eyes and left.)

Connor brushed Hunter’s hair out of his eyes and kissed his nose. “How’d you get it?”

Hunter felt the world slipping away from him for a minute and even his stupid grin faltered, but he’s gotten over this and he didn’t care anymore, or what was the point of the therapist and two separate fucking support groups, but he still did kind of care a little bit, so he fell back on his usual defense mechanism and said, “basically I fucked a couple thousand guys bareback for money.”

So when Connor was pushing him away, off the bed, it hurt, but he’d set himself up for that fall, so it didn’t hurt as much as it might have. He didn’t want to look up and see what he knew was going to be there if he met Connor’s eyes, and he let himself hope for just a second that maybe his ex-boyfriend was upset with the cavalier way he’d said it (because that was dismissive of sexual abuse) or the caustic sarcasm (because that was dismissive of Connor), or something other than figuring out the guy he’d thought he liked was just a fucking whore.

So when Connor was crying, that was actually surprising, and Hunter wished he could take it back while he held his breath and hoped he hadn’t tripped over a trigger.

“Fuck you,” Connor said, and Hunter breathed again.

Because that was okay, that just meant Hunter was an asshole, and he knew that.

“Fuck you,” Connor said again, “I slept with one guy, okay, I had unprotected sex with one person, and I’ve only ever had sex with two, three now, and apparently they’re all assholes!”

Which was definitely not the reaction Hunter expected, and he wasn’t sure how to fix it.

“I don’t fucking care how you got it!” Connor was screaming, or not really screaming, more of a harsh whisper, because as mad as he was, he knew people could overhear, and he knew how little Hunter wanted that, “I wasn’t going to judge, but you know what, that was fucking uncalled for, and, you know what else? Fuck off!”

And then Hunter was getting shoved out the door before he could explain and he slid down the doorframe and into a ball just outside of the room because Connor was right, he hadn’t thought before he’d spoken, and now he’d fucked everything up just like he always did, only now Ben and Michael weren’t here to fix his stupid fucking problems that he could’ve just avoided if he hadn’t wanted to be so fucking flippant about something he probably should’ve brought up sooner, because what if Connor really had pulled his hair and he’d freaked out?

That would have fucked this up even more than Hunter just being Hunter.

Someone came by and asked if he was alright (Hunter thought maybe it was the roommate but he wasn’t sure) but that was before he’d started crying so it was just as well. Because he was done curling up and trying to be a big boy.

And he didn’t fucking have to anymore.

Hunter looked around before he did it, because as much as he was confident these days that it wouldn’t all fall apart he still didn’t want to look like a baby, and he leaned back into the shade of the tree and pulled out his phone.

“Dad?” he sobbed, and then talked about everything else in the world, because if he didn’t want to talk about something, he didn’t have to. His dads didn’t make him do anything. But they were always there for him.

 

When Ben showed up, Hunter was surprised as fuck, because he would’ve thought his dad would warn him or something, and he hadn’t really thought he’d sounded all that bad on the phone, even if he had refused to explain. Because Hunter was just being a rebellious teenager, and they always kept secrets, especially right around the start of major rites of passage into adulthood, right?

Also, Michael wasn’t with him, which made Hunter panic that it was about something a little more important than the petty dramas in his life.

“Dad,” Hunter said, and tried not to let the worry into his voice.

But his dad was grinning, which meant everything was okay, or maybe he thought Hunter not being in the hospital or still whining his ass off or even arrested or something meant that everything was okay even if his heart had had a hole-puncher taken to it. But he wrapped Hunter up in a hug, and everything was a little bit okay at least.

“What are you doing here?” Hunter asked, but at least he was excited now.

Ben ruffled his hair. “What, I can’t visit my son at school? Don’t want your boring old dad embarrassing you in front of all your girlfriends?”

Hunter blushed and wished that he could disappear, which was the first time that had happened just by mentioning his love life since, well, Callie.

“I’m here to meet with someone about my latest opus,” Ben said, wrapping an arm around Hunter and walking with him, aimlessly, as far as Hunter could tell. “And I convinced them we should meet in person instead of just talk on the phone, since I would be in town visiting my son, anyway.”

Hunter grinned. His dad really was just checking up on him, after all. “Where’s Michael?” he asked, figuring his other dad was nearby.

Ben’s eyes twinkled, like he had a secret.

Hunter crossed his arms.

“Hollywood,” Ben said.

Hunter had to stop himself from squealing like a fucking tea kettle because Michael had been dropping hints, but, “Rage is back in production?”

“Too soon to tell,” Ben said, but he was still smiling, so Hunter could hope.

And that was a pretty fucking good reason for his dad not to be here, not that he needed a reason, Hunter was an adult now, and he didn’t need his fucking dads looking out for him constantly (or his _fucking_ dads giving his friends an eyeful). And he definitely didn’t need either of his dads right now, because he was so fucking done with that shit, anyway.

So of course Connor chose that moment to walk up to him. “Um, hey.” And he really looked like he wanted to say something, but he also really looked like he didn’t want an audience, which could really go either way.

“Um,” Hunter echoed him. “Hey.”

“Hey,” said Ben, possibly not noticing the tension, but most probably trying to undercut it like the conflict-deescalating professor he was, “I’m Ben Bruckner, Hunter’s dad.”

And Hunter could just see all the ways this could go wrong spiraling out of control in front of him, and he wished he’d actually said something about ‘oh, yeah, my two dads’ instead of wanting to just be normal for once and not have anybody look at him not that it was even that weird anymore and now he kind of felt like a sack of shit homophobe. No wonder Connor had expected him to pull some gay panic bullshit the whole fucking time.

Oh, right, and also he hadn’t mentioned Connor.

“Hey,” Connor said, shaking Ben’s hand. “I’m Connor Reilly. Hunter’s. Um. Friend.”

Hunter knew he was doomed the second he heard the ‘um’.

Ben was just looking back and forth between the two of them, and Hunter wondered if his eyes could go any wider, and, if they did, whether the tension in the optic nerve would actually win out against gravity, or if he’d be responsible for his dad not having eyes anymore.

“I thought you were straight,” Ben said, and he sounded more surprised or confused than accusatory, and Hunter had to keep repeating ‘we love you, gay or straight’ in his head to remind himself it was fucked up to be surprised and even more fucked up to be grateful.

“I thought so, too!” Hunter said, and it was too defensive, but he couldn’t help but imagine Ben was going to lecture him, right here in front of Connor, about how he had to make up his mind because he couldn’t keep jerking people around like that, or maybe that it was a phase or he was doing it for attention or even that it was a good thing that he’d finally gotten over being straight.

Connor looked like he was about to bolt or call for help.

“You’re using protection?” Ben asked, like he did every time, no matter how many yesses he got, and he sort of noticeably didn’t look over at Connor.

“Yes, dad, you don’t need to hand me a box of condoms in the middle of the courtyard,” Hunter said, rolling his eyes, and then he took pity on his dad. “He knows.”

And Ben relaxed, like he always did.

And Connor, rather hesitantly, but not really looking scared now that Ben wasn’t mad at him, said, “I’m, uh, I have HIV, too.”

The professor took it in stride, of course he fucking did, because if barely anything Hunter could come up with could surprise him (and he’d tried), and even the whole gay again (maybe) thing barely did (and Michael would definitely have a shit fit), of course that wouldn’t surprise him either.

Hunter was pretty glad he knew his dad so well, or he might have missed the fact that Ben looked sad for Connor and then relieved that Hunter was going to be in a relationship with someone who knew and then hopeful that it would actually last. And maybe a little wistful, too, although Hunter wasn’t sure whether that was about being young or being able to confide in someone or some fucking bullshit adults made up to try to seem superior to the uninitiated.

“I do, too,” Ben said, like he always did, because he never liked people to feel like they were alone and Hunter was fucking proud of that because he usually couldn’t.

And he could just catch Connor’s eyes widening again, and hoped it was only surprise because he’d never met much of anyone else (maybe Hunter should take him to group) or even surprise that it was someone that was not-as-far-as-he-knew-queer. Although Hunter actually thought Ben was pretty obvious, especially since he _really_ wasn’t trying to hide it, but what did Hunter know, the guy was obviously pretty sheltered.

Then he saw Connor flinching like he’d thought something bad, and Hunter was pretty pissed and maybe wanted to kick him in the shin a little, because, really? Ben was his fucking dad, and not his fucking-dad, because he’d had way more than enough of those to last a lifetime, thanks, and sheltered didn’t really cover it at this point.

Ben was looking between the two of them again; he’d missed it.

“He wants to know how I got it,” Hunter said, and didn’t fill in the rest of the thought, although he did glare at Connor, and Connor knew he knew.

Ben looked like he didn’t know what to say.

Hunter leaned further into his dad’s embrace, because sometimes he needed it even when he hated the fuck out of needing it, and he was man enough to admit that. “You can tell him.”

“Um,” Ben said, looking like a deer about to be pancaked by a big rig, because Hunter had put him on the spot a little, but, fuck, he hadn’t believed Hunter, so. Ben nodded at him for confirmation, and said, “Hunter was on the streets for a while before we adopted him.”

Then Ben stopped, because he never had been very good at saying it when he wasn’t angry enough to lose his filter. Hunter wanted to fill in the blanks but wasn’t sure he could, even though he was kind of losing his filter to anger when Connor’s guilt doubled at the word ‘before’ like it actually meant anything.

“And,” Ben said, and stopped again.

Connor waited patiently for him to finish.

“And I sold the only thing I had worth selling,” Hunter finished, except there was the caustic sarcasm again, and that was exactly what had gotten him into trouble in the first place, and he bit his tongue almost hard enough to draw blood, and then he stopped, because what if he kissed Connor with blood in his mouth, and then he remembered Connor wasn’t kissing him, anymore, hadn’t even talked to him in a week.

A bunch of expressions ran over Connor’s face, and Hunter wanted to tear something into little pieces that he couldn’t read them like he could Ben’s or Michael’s or Deb’s or even Brian’s (from extensive study), but at least he could tell Connor believed him now.

Then Connor reached out for him, open-armed, but not taking a step closer. Hunter looked for the fear, but he only caught resolve, and maybe a little bit of confusion, like he wasn’t sure he was doing the right thing. Hunter wasn’t sure he was going to like it if the other guy kept treating him like he might have a panic attack at any moment, but that was sort of sweet actually, in this one instance, and baby steps. So he hugged Connor back.

“I’m sorry I didn’t believe you,” Connor whispered into his ear, and all the hairs on his neck stood up like they were supposed to.

“No sweat,” Hunter said, and leaned back, so Connor could kiss him if he wanted.

He did.

Ben’s fists were clenched as he held them to his mouth to keep from yelling, channeling Michael more than a little bit, if for no other reason than to reassure Michael he had when he was recounting the story later, “my little boy has a boyfriend!”

Hunter glared at him a little and muttered, “Michael is so going to freak out.”

“Who’s Michael?” Connor asked.

“My other dad,” Hunter said, and then thought maybe he’d put his foot in in, but he’d never said he didn’t have two dads, and maybe it was Connor’s fault if he’d assumed.

Actually, Connor just looked like he was going to laugh.

When he took Hunter’s hand, Hunter thought maybe he didn’t mind being laughed at as long as it was Connor doing the laughing, not even in front of his dad, not in front of anyone. It was warm and thrumming with Connor’s heartbeat, and Hunter leaned into him and just breathed. He felt lightheaded, not scared or disoriented, not panicking, not even distracted, but just like this was exactly where he wanted his hand, just holding onto Connor’s while the world fell away.


End file.
